Ranch wife 101 guidelines:

 

1.   Always load your horse last in the trailer so it is the first one

    unloaded.  By the time he's got his horse unloaded, you will have

    your cinch pulled and be mounted up ready to go - lessening the

    chance of him riding off without you with your horse trying to

    follow while you are still trying to get your foot in the stirrup.

 

2.  Never - and I repeat never - ever believe the phrase "We'll be

    right back," when he has asked you to help him do something out

    on the ranch. The echoing words, "this will only take a little while"

    have filtered through generations of ranch wives and still today

    should invoke sincere distrust in the woman who hears them.

 

3.  Always know there is NO romantic intention when he pleadingly

    asks you to take a ride in the pickup with him around the ranch

    while he checks waters and looks at cattle. What that sweet request

    really means is he wants someone to open and close the gates.

 

4.  He will always expect you to quickly be able to find one stray in a

    four-section  brush-covered pasture, but he will never be able to

    find the mayonnaise jar in four-square feet of refrigerator.

 

5.  Count every head of everything you see - cattle especially, but

    sometimes horses, deer, quail or whatever moves.  Count it in the

    gate, out the gate or on the horizon. The first time you don't count

    is when he will have expected that you did. That blank eyelash-batting

    look you give him when he asks "How many?" will not be acceptable.

6.  Know that you will never be able to ride a horse or drive a pickup to

    suit him.  Given the choice of jobs, choose throwing the feed off the

    back of the pickup. If he is on the back and you are driving, the

    opportunity for constant criticism of speed, ability and your eyesight

    will be utilized to the full extent. "How in the *@*# could you NOT

    see that hole?"

 

7.  Never let yourself be on foot in the alley when he is sorting cattle

    horseback. When he has shoved 20 head of running, bucking, kicking

    yearlings at you and then hollers "Hold 'em, hold 'em" at the top of his

    lungs, don't think that you really can do it without loss of life or limb.

    Contrary to what he will lead you to believe, walking back to the house

    is always an option that has been used throughout time.

 

8.  Don't expect him to correctly close the snap-on tops on the plastic

    refrigerator containers, but know he will expect you to always close

    every gate.  His reasoning, the cows will get out; the food will not.

 

9.  Always praise him when he helps in the kitchen - the very same way

    he does when you help with the ranch work - or not.

 

10.  Know that when you step out of the house you move from the "wife"

    department to "hired hand" status.  Although the word "hired" indicates

    there will be a paycheck that you will never see, rest assured you will

    have job security.  The price is just right.  And most of the time you will

    be "the best help he has" even if it is because you are the ONLY help he has.

Back To Top

Poem: by Susan Gahr
OCT. 2006, Pecos Texas

THEM PECOS COWS……..RUNNIN HARD & WILD!
LOTS OF GROUND TO COVER ! THEY DON’T GIVE A RIP…
THEY KNOW THE CRACKS , HOLES & CREVICES…. GIVE YOU THE SLIP…...!

ALL THAT ………..BIG SKY COUNTRY!
KINDA LIKE BLACK MAGIC………. THEY TURN & WINK, & DISSAPPEAR…
RIGHT FROM UNDER YER BIG OLE NOSE!
YA BETTER FIRE UP THAT HORSE…!
THEY’LL KEEP YOU ON YER TOES!

SO, YA THINK YER KINDA PUNCHY!!! WHEN YOU GET THEM HIDES IN VIEW! YA BETTER HAVE MORE THAN YER ROPE & A DOG OR TWO!!!!

I’M TELLIN YA……….THE WORK IS HARD…….ESPECIALLY ON THE WIFES…….MEN DON’T TAKE TO LOSIN PREY……..I’VE QUIT A HUNDERD TIMES…………… I’VE TOLD HIM PLAIN …..IF YOU PICK ON ME …………I’M HEADIN TO THE HOUSE!

HE WAS SORTIN THRU HIS OPTIONS!!!! RETHINKING HIS STRATEGY…….
CUTTIN HIMSELF A PLAN THAT WOULD WORK FOR HIM & ME!
HE SOFTENS & GRINS …………A BIT………
WELL, WE GOT TIME ………………IT’S NOT WORTH A DIVORCE!!!
THEN HE DID THE MANLY THING!!!!!
HE OFFERED ME THE GOOD HORSE!!! ( Broke by: Bennie Butler
Rode by: Kelly Butler
Guthrie, Texas)

Back To Top

BAD BOY

THE BOSS SENT US OUT FOR A BULL…….A BAD BULL.
WE KNEW WE NEEDED ALL THE HELP WE COULD GET.
WE DROVE OUT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WINE GLASS RANCH NORTH OF PRESCOTT, ARIZ.
WE GOT THRU THE PASTURE GATE & WAS MOVING TOWARD THE CATCH PENS WHERE WE THOUGHT WE COULD TRAP THE BULLS.

OVER A PRETTY GOOD SIZE HILL……….CAME A STRING OF BULLS HEADIN TO WATER. WE PULLED UP & WAITED…………..PRETTY SOON THE BULL WE WERE LOOKIN FOR KINDA JUST TURNED & MOSIED INTO THE ROUND PEN……….JOHN SAID…..TAKE THIS RIG & GO BLOCK THAT BULL…..GO ……SLOW ………..(NOW. GIRLS YA KNOW THAT ROUND PEN GATES ARE ALWAYS…ALWAYS BROKE AT A TIME LIKE THIS.)

JOHN JUMPED HIS HORSE OUT OF THE TRAILER……….CHECKED HIS RIGGIN & STEPPED ABOARD.

JOHN CLOSED THE GATE TO THE BULLS ON WATER….THEN HE WENT TO THE FAR END & SET HIS GATES….

OUR PLAN WAS TO PULL OFF THE TRUCK BLOCKAID…..…JOHN WOULD HOLD HIM WHILE I TURNED THE RIG AROUND & BACK UP TO THE ROUND PEN GATE ……& LOAD THAT BIG BOY.

JOHN HAD HARDLY STEPPED UP ON HIS HORSE WHEN THE WRECK WAS ON!!!! THAT BULL WOKE UP……TO…REALITY !!!!
THE BULL EYED ME OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS EYE……& SPUN AROUND FLAT LIKE A MEXICAN SOMBRERO………….IN A HAT DANCE! HE DID NOT TAKE PRESSURE WAS AN UNDERSTATEMENT.!!

HE LOWERED HIS HEAD & STARTED NAVIGATING AROUND THE ROUND PEN GAINING SPEED WITH EACH ROTATION! I JUST KNEW IT WAS A’COMING………I JUST KNEW…………….

HE LIFTED OFF THE GROUND LIKE A HELICOPTER ON TAKE OFF!!!!….CAME ONTO THE HOOD & WINDSHIELD OF MY RIG……..ALL HORNS, HOOFS, HAIR & SNOT!
I WAS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER!…………I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE .A WITNESS TO MY OWN MURDER! JOHN SCREAMS……….HOLD HIM ,HONEY, YOU’RE DOING GOOD!

THAT BULL SCRAMBLED OVER THE TOP OF ME & HEADED LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN THRU ANYTHING & EVERYTHING IN HIS WAY…………..I WAS THROWING HER INTO REVERSE IN OVERDRIVE……THE BULL WAS GONE……..JOHN WAS GONE…………& THE DOG WAS GONE IN HOT PURSUIT! THE LAST TIME I SAW THE 3 COMPADRES HOOKIN IT IN BIG RANCH COUNTRY………I THANKED GOD THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE ATLEAST GOIN IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!

I GOT THE RIG TURNED AROUND-I KNOW I HAD TO GET TO PASTURE GATE & SET MY PANELS TO GET THIS BULL TO LOAD …………..IF HE WOULD LOAD!

I ARRIVED AT MY DESTINATION AHEAD FROM THE WRECK IN MOTION!
I SET MY PANELS…………JUMPED MY HORSE OUT & STEPPED ON………HEADED BACK TO CIRCLE AROUND TO HELP JOHN………I SEE HIM COMING……………EVERTHING WAS SLINGING SNOT EXCEPT JOHN!
JOHN GOT HIM SLOWED DOWN & WAS AIMIING FOR THE RIG……THE BULL WAS LATHERED…………………

THAT BULL WAS WORE OUT…………….THANK GOD……………
.HE GAVE UP THE FIGHT ……..THAT BIG BOY JUST DROPPED HIS HEAD LIKE A GENTLEMAN & LOADED ‘ER UP………….HE WAS READY TO “PARK IT!”
I SLAMMED THE GATE SHUT!!!!

WE LOADED OUR HORSES & HEADED HOME………THE BOSS COULDN’T BELIEVE WE GOT THAT BULL…………HE WAS SPOILED BAD….THE BULL NOT THE BOSS! WE DID NOT GIVE HIM ALL THE DETAILS ……OF OUR SUCCESS!

WE COULDN’T HELP OURSELVES…………WE JUST SAT THERE WITH BIG GOOFY GRINS ON OUR FACES AS WE REHEARSED OUR WAR STORY ALL THE WAY HOME.

THE BOSS WAS HAPPY.
THE BULL WAS HAPPY.
THE PUP THOUGHT HE WON THE WORLD!
JOHN & ME…………WE MADE A HAND……….BUT I GOTTA TELL YA THE TRUTH……….GOD HELPED US……………….WE AREN’T THAT GOOD!

Back To Top